1. Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,
    blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description
    for these kids: lucky bastards.
  2. If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards,
    you’re a dope. If you’re a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your
    idols. If you’re a grown man, they’re pictures of men.
  3. There’s no such thing as flavored water. There’s a whole
    aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery
    taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want
    flavored water? Pour some Jack Daniels over ice and let it melt. That’s
    your flavored water.
  4. The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
    asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a “decaf grande half-
    soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino,
    extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n’-Low, and one NutraSweet,”
    ooh, you’re a huge asshole.
  5. Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it
    doesn’t make you spiritual. It’s right above the crack of your ass.
    And it translates to “beef with broccoli.” The last time you did
    anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren’t pregnant.
    You’re not spiritual. You’re just high.
  6. No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is
    offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with     George
    Michael    . I can’t even tell if he’s supposed to be there, or just some
    freak with a fetish. I don’t want to be on your web cam, dude. I just
    want to wash my hands.
  7. When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to know
    in months. “27 Months.” “He’s two,” will do just fine. He’s not a
    cheese. And I didn’t really care in the first place.